How to deal with a delicate FMIL situation/ destination wedding?
We have been planning a backyard wedding, and a couple of weeks ago learned that the family member who was offerering their gorgous and spacious backyard will NOT allow alcohol. So…that’s out.
We have been looking around at a local winery and other venues, but nothing seems to work out just right. My fiance has asked we reconsider his original “dream wedding” which is elope and get married on a beach in Hawaii.
I’ve been opposed to this, not b/c the beach wedding isn’t lovely, but b/c I do NOT want to “elope”- I want to have at least our core group with us to be a part of our big day.
For me- my sister, aunt and best friend are my world and heart.
For him…definitely his parents and brother. He is extremely close to them, and they are such beautiful people.
So- now that we are considering the Hawaii wedding again, I brought it up with his mother and she seemed…to not love it. Basically I get that she would make the trip but begrudgingly. It seems that she would feel and think the entire time “wow, Hawaii- really? How expensive and how rude” but would NEVER say it out loud. She would act non-enthused, force a smile and seem half-hearted the entire planning process and maybe even on the trip. As I get to know her, I’m seeing this is her nature.
I realize that many people will not be able to attend, and do not expect anyone to come if they cannot realistically afford it. But if you can, and you want to- we’d LOVE to have you!! I do NOT want anyone to come all the way to Hawaii out of obligation, especially his mother.
I’m stressing out! I want his mother of all people to really love being with us. Maybe I should reconsider and elope…yuck!
Should I say something to her, be direct? Delicate situation!! How should I handle this appropriately?
When I say “be direct” I do not mean that I would be blunt and rude…I would ask her point blank if she likes the idea and if not…why. Try to talk it out diplomatically- thats my way. But I just don’t know if it would solve anything in this type of situation or just make it worse.
WE ARE PAYING FOR THEIR STAY. We would rent a condo on the beach, they wouldn’t be paying for a hotel.
Airfare right now is $900 per ticket coach.
my heart is not set on Hawaii. But my fiance’s is. He is unwavering that our beach wedding be Hawaii. Really stubborn about it.
Luv2Answer: YES, I would. I try not to judge those who have dry weddings (though I find them utterly dull) so don’t judge those of us who like to enjoy ourselves and celebrate. =)
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May 21st, 2010 at 5:13 pm
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He should be the one to talk to his mother about it. If you try to talk to her, she may get defensive.
May 24th, 2010 at 2:50 pm
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Hawaii comes with a huge price tag attached. We are talking $1500 just for plane ticket per person and a modest hotel room will not be less than $200. Unless you have whealthy family members willing to shell about $3000 per person to attend, then make plans to get marrie d alone in the beach.
Do not get things personal. People do not have the money right now. A lot of people have lost their jobs and they are tight on their pocket books.
If you want your loved ones to attend, plan something local or elope in Hawaii.
Good luck
May 27th, 2010 at 4:33 am
Hawaii wedding
Honey if you start doing stuff now because the in laws are giving you the stink eye about it, you won’t have much fun once you are married. You gotta put your foot down NOW and do what YOU and YOUR boyfriend want to do for your wedding, invite as many as you want and head over to Hawaii as long as you and him show up it will be alright! but you can’t let your in laws get involved in changing your plans or they will do it for everything else in the marriage. I found a website for etiquettes on how to handle this things that I think will be good for you. Good luck and let us know what you have decided. Remember Your Wedding and His Nobody else’s! Hopefully you will only get one, make it your own.
May 29th, 2010 at 9:10 pm
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why not have your fiancee speak with her and voice his opinionsand tell her that it was his dream to begin with. Surely if she loves him then she will be happy that his dream is about to come true. Ask him to ask her if she will be happy for the 2 of you and why she is having reservations about Hawaii. But remember the final decision should be yours and your fiancee’s
May 30th, 2010 at 5:35 am
Kansieo.com
First, you need to ask the remainder of the people you consider a neccesity to attend. If they can take the price hit, and will do it with a smile, then I say go for it. This is the beginning of many of those difficult MIL moments, so you might as well tackle the problem now. If you have more than a few of the rest of the attendees say that there is just no way they can afford it, then I would say you should keep it here. There is just no way to go back and replace that moment that the people you love witness your promises to love one person for the rest of your life. No matter the setting. If everyone else is fine about going then go for it- she’ll still attend it seems, just ignore her attitude. It’ll be good practice for later down the road anyway
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June 1st, 2010 at 4:47 am
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It is so important that a wedding be something memorable for the bride and groom. It is their wedding and few people are going to really be talking and remembering it later. That being said, I have to tell you that a destination wedding while lovely, will significantly cut into the people who will attend. My son got married in Maui last year and by the time the actual day arrived, only 4 people attended. It is very expensive and even we, his parents and younger brothers and sister could not justify the cost. People have good intentions but when significant debt to attend becomes a reality, practicality often takes over.
If a wedding that takes place in Hawaii is what is important, then get married there. You might have a small reception here after the fact in a location that your family and friends can afford. But , if the celebration of your marriage is really going to be a family occasion, then find a church hall or a senior center to rent and invite all.
June 4th, 2010 at 1:08 am
Kansieo.com
Is she the only one of your core group who is resistant? You didn’t say, and to me this makes all the difference. If she is, then obviously make it clear you want her there and hope she comes and leave the rest to her.
But if not, you may have to compromise and find a closer beach. If you’re in the middle of the country, head down to Galveston! $900 is a lot of money to most people right now.
I say this because I get the impression that having the important people is more important than the destination. If your heart is set on Hawaii, then maybe just elope.
June 5th, 2010 at 12:18 am
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I’m sorry, that’s really disappointing that she’s behaving this way. I’m also having a destination wedding and I would be devastated if any of my or my fiance’s family acted like this.
Don’t elope. You clearly don’t want to.
If you do think she’d make the trip regardless, go ahead with the plans and she’ll find out what a fantastic experience you’ve planned once she gets there. Personally I do not consider airfare to Hawaii too expensive for the MOTHER OF THE GROOM, especially since you are paying for her lodging! She should be appreciative.
All that said, have you considered destination options on the mainland US? Maybe she’d be kinder if you approached her with other options. I’m having my wedding at a private estate that houses 25 in the Florida Keys. Other options could be Santa Barbara, CA or wine country. If you look at the website, you can search fantastic vacation rentals houses that could accommodate all of your guests. If you are set on Hawaii, show her pictures – help her to understand your vision. It’ll be such an amazing wedding and vacation for your nearest and dearest!
Just doing a quick search on VRBO I found these amazing properties:
Hawaii: (OMG!!!!)
Florida Keys:
California:
Best of luck to you!
June 6th, 2010 at 9:27 am
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You would rather go through all this drama than just have the wedding at your original location without alcohol?? That just seems crazy to me.